Alone Forever.

Get out of my head.

Get out of my head.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD.

Seriously though, you are bumming me out, despite your best intentions. You rejected me and I won't forget that. Unless of course, you decide to come around. Remember when we first met? Remember when we sat and talked together the entire bus ride home? I do. I also remember the moment I realized "Holy shit I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl." I remember going home and fretting a lot about the age difference, vowing not to tell anyone about my attraction, then telling four people anyway. I remember the first walk we went on together, the view from that spot on the banks, the way you looked at me. I remember landshark. I remember pirate fights. I remember Metal Gear Solid in a fort. I remember being a puppy. I remember dragging my finger along your arm.

   I remember you telling me you liked me too.

   I remember being happy. Happier than I had been in years.

   Then I remember that stupid fucking night. The friday before halloween. Fuck halloween. I used to like halloween but not anymore. Halloween can go burn in a hole. FUCK halloween. But I digress...  I remember being avoided. I remember half hearted cuddling in front of japanese inception-esq mayhem (Paprika is now the worst spice ever). I remember three bundles of hands. I remember twister and the thing and dawn of the dead. I remember Shawn of the Dead too, but you where too busy playing twister. I remember running from zombies. I remember hiding in the dark. It was fun while it lasted.

   I remember asking you "Do you still like me?" I remember immediately regretting asking that question.
I remember the drop of my heart, and the sudden onset of a dull, surreal pain that has not yet left. I remember your attempt to let me down softly.

That was more than two months ago. Why can't I get over you? Maybe because I care about you more than everyone I know has cared about me combined. Maybe its because of those first few weeks, when I though the happiness would keep going for ever. It was evidently too good to last. Maybe it's because I find you amazing and incredible in every way. Maybe it's because I have never felt this way before about anyone in my life.

I have not gone more than 30 minutes without thinking about you since I met you.

Maybe it's just because I really, really love you.

Blind people don't really realize how blind they are until they get to see. Lonely people don't realize how lonely they are until they get to love.

I got to love. Now I can see how lonely I really am.



PS: Don't you read this. I am not ready to admit ANY of it to you quite yet.