It's a new life for me.

I went for a walk.

I went for a walk yesterday. I went to that spot. that spot with the great view of the mountains. I was going to bring my dog but he kept pulling the leash in the direction of home. Company is overrated anyway. The road was awful. Mud and slush. The way the two of them mix is not pleasant. Because of this, among other reasons, the walk wasn't as good as I remember when I took it with you. My shoes seem great at getting mud stuck to them, but strangely not good at sticking to the mud. The cuffs of my pants where ruined. I got lost twice, trying to take the road less traveled, but it turns out cliches are not so useful when taken to a literal extreme, and it seems my sense of direction isn't as good as I thought.

It scares me how much I talk to myself. Both under my breath and out loud. It has been like that as long as I can remember. I just like to keep my own company, I guess. Or make up others to do it for me. I'm just glad no one was around, or else they would have thought I was completely insane, listening in on me discussing with myself how much easier life would be if we all constantly carried around swords. Maybe they would have been right.

Anyway. New years is coming. and I will leave all of this stupid emo crap far behind me. New Years resolution: Stop being a whiny little bitch. Also stop posting weird shit on your blog and alienating the people you love.

See you next year, I guess.

The Internal War

I guess I'll keep on fighting through the dark
just like every day before
Back then, when I was blind
Back before the internal war

Why do all good things have to die?
Like a sparrow falling from the sky
Looks like I was never
"plenty good enough"

The light at the end of the tunnel was a train
How was I supposed to know?
that the fountain in the desert was
just for show.

You caught me when my shields where up
I know you never ment to strike me down
But mistaken pain is just as bad
Now my mind is just your ghost town

I burnt the piece of paper where I wrote your name
And I don't think I'll ever be the same
after two months of nothing
passed me by.

The light at the end of the tunnel was a train
How was I supposed to know?
that the fountain in the desert was
just for show.

Maybe I'll go down to the record store
to buy something that would make you like me more
I don't know why I even try
why can't I just give up?

The light at the end of the tunnel was a train
How was I supposed to know?
that the fountain in the desert was
just for show.

I guess I'll keep on fighting through the dark
just like every day before
Back then, when I was blind
Back before the internal war

Get out of my head now, please.

I've got nothing to say. I'll just put some angsty music here.



Oh, Queens of the Stone Age, I do love thee. You speak the truth.

Fuck this song

Seriously. Fuck this song so fucking hard.

New York I Love you but, you're bringing me down....

So sad. I love it.

Confusion.

Oh damn. There are three of you now. Thats just perfect. are you multiplying or something? Not cool. One of you is enough. Can you please just decide among yourselves wich one of you stays? Thanks. 

   I think about you far too much. I annoy you in online chats. I feel incomplete without you. I am infatuated with you, But I really should be blaming you.

   You are the reason I feel this way. You are the reason I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. You are the reason I feel empty. You are the reason I can't look back on anything without getting a tear in my eye. 

Short post today. I am not exactly feeling ambitious.

Sorry for blaming you. I just need someone to blame that isn't me for once. 

Gran Turismo 5 - Whitey - Blah

Blah

Blah. Thats how I feel right now. Blah. I don't want to move unless its to put things into my body or taking things out. I don't want to talk unless I don't have to see your face or hear your voice. I don't want to eat unless it's something full of fat, salt and/or sugar (Chocolate-covered peanut butter pretzel bites really hit the spot). I don't want to get out of bed unless its to roam around on the internet, casually observing but not really contributing much, just like me in real life. Most of all I don't want to reminisce. Any other period in my life time I enjoy a good bout of reminiscence but not now. It'll just make me think of us, and when I think of us I get sad because "Us" isn't really much at all anymore. being sad is no fun, but I am sad a lot so I take a twisted sort of confort in it's familiarity. I will continue to enthusiastically talk to you over the internet, pretending that none of that matters anymore, pretending that you are just a good ol' chum to me, nothing more. Maybe I will compliment you but you won't think anything of it. You will compliment me and I will think everything of it. Maybe you will tell me I am "sweet" or "cute". A voice will whisper, taunting, into my ear "Not sweet enough. Not cute enough" then you will tell me you have to go, wish me goodnight, and send me a little <2, which I can only assume means "I like you as a friend but don't get any ideas". I will continue to think about you until I fall into a dreamless sleep, full of false hope. Maybe I will wake up to a text from you. Maybe I will smile, reminisce, then feel blah for the rest of the day. It'll be Christmas soon, but I am an Atheist so even if there is a Jesus he will probably make me feel blah on Christmas because he is a spiteful douche.

Blaaaaahhhhh.

I think I hear my pre-cooked frozen pizza calling.

Alone Forever.

Get out of my head.

Get out of my head.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD.

Seriously though, you are bumming me out, despite your best intentions. You rejected me and I won't forget that. Unless of course, you decide to come around. Remember when we first met? Remember when we sat and talked together the entire bus ride home? I do. I also remember the moment I realized "Holy shit I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl." I remember going home and fretting a lot about the age difference, vowing not to tell anyone about my attraction, then telling four people anyway. I remember the first walk we went on together, the view from that spot on the banks, the way you looked at me. I remember landshark. I remember pirate fights. I remember Metal Gear Solid in a fort. I remember being a puppy. I remember dragging my finger along your arm.

   I remember you telling me you liked me too.

   I remember being happy. Happier than I had been in years.

   Then I remember that stupid fucking night. The friday before halloween. Fuck halloween. I used to like halloween but not anymore. Halloween can go burn in a hole. FUCK halloween. But I digress...  I remember being avoided. I remember half hearted cuddling in front of japanese inception-esq mayhem (Paprika is now the worst spice ever). I remember three bundles of hands. I remember twister and the thing and dawn of the dead. I remember Shawn of the Dead too, but you where too busy playing twister. I remember running from zombies. I remember hiding in the dark. It was fun while it lasted.

   I remember asking you "Do you still like me?" I remember immediately regretting asking that question.
I remember the drop of my heart, and the sudden onset of a dull, surreal pain that has not yet left. I remember your attempt to let me down softly.

That was more than two months ago. Why can't I get over you? Maybe because I care about you more than everyone I know has cared about me combined. Maybe its because of those first few weeks, when I though the happiness would keep going for ever. It was evidently too good to last. Maybe it's because I find you amazing and incredible in every way. Maybe it's because I have never felt this way before about anyone in my life.

I have not gone more than 30 minutes without thinking about you since I met you.

Maybe it's just because I really, really love you.

Blind people don't really realize how blind they are until they get to see. Lonely people don't realize how lonely they are until they get to love.

I got to love. Now I can see how lonely I really am.



PS: Don't you read this. I am not ready to admit ANY of it to you quite yet.