This is a foma that I sometimes tell myself.

Some are cursed with unhappiness because the universe knows we would be too powerful without it.

This is a foma that I sometimes tell myself.

Through many long hours of intoxication I have seen a balance in the universe. Or, if you would prefer, a pattern. I have long believed that the universe continues infinitely, fractally, in direction of scale. There is always something bigger, and there is always something smaller. But in each of these proportional slices, each exponentially smaller or larger than the last, you notice the same tendancy that I have. No matter how small or big you get, change is simply a matter of making contact. This universe is, in every sense, matter being flung around by many cosmic forces, most of which are far beyond my own conception. But sometimes, as if by chance, or by the least a moment  where the universe’s flow could not be found perfect, a tiny kink forms in the perfectly flat surface. And change occurs.

Take, for example, the social mechanic of romance. This something I would usually prefer to discuss over theoretical physics, though I am about as equally as unqualified in both. From what I observe, through my daily life, people move like particles. They stay close with the ones they have bonded with, and stay as far away from the others as the space allows. Sometimes two of these particles collide, sometimes do a little dance, and sometimes, they fuse. Or, at least, they remain together as long as the atoms in their bodies are mutually attracted.

In space, planets circle one another, attracted but seldom do they meet. Fortunate, for if they were to collide, they may both be destroyed. The best that two or more planets can hope for is a close orbit, like that if the earth and the moon. At the very least, an orbit within the farthest reach, like that of our sun and the theoretical “Planet 9”.

Beyond that, there are rogue stars, and rogue planets, too destructive or weak to keep anything near for long.

Maybe this is all coincidence. Maybe the many forces that govern reality are simply that: many. Too many to list and too many to comprehend. Maybe the smallest changes in the smallest units of our universe, infinitesimal beyond our measure, echo through space, making changes on a great scale. I guess we’ll never know. Maybe someone will though, someone far away in space and time. 

Screaming into a Void

I'm just so tired, you guys.

I got drunk this weekend. Way too drunk. Entire bottle of jager drunk. Blacked out, threw up in the bar (apparently) and woke up in my bed the next morning, tired, and praying for the sweet release of death.

I feel like a husk, like a ghost. I feel like people are looking right through me in a time when I just want to be seen, and more than that, to be touched. This is the least real I have felt in ages but I feel so far removed from even caring about it. I'm just tired of having to give myself strength from nothing at all. I am a closed system with no energy going in and far too much coming out. I've been like that for so long that now it feels like dry-heaving. There's nothing left, just fumes and dust.

I don't know if I'm even capable of feeling attraction anymore. Companionship has, for as long as I can remember, been my greatest desire, and having been refused its warmth for so long I no longer respond to its pull. I had a thought today about attraction. It requires hope and faith. One hopes that the object of their attraction will feel the same. One has faith that they are deserving of the affection of another. But there is almost nothing I can find in my life that would merit the hope and faith required to foster an attraction. My attractions have gone virtually all unrequited for so much of my memory that the idea of such a feeling being mutual is utterly absurd. My brain has built a road in itself that leads from interest straight to disappointment and despair. It's a road I now refuse to walk; I've come to its conclusion too many times to fathom any other outcome.

So I guess that's how my heart died. Now I don't really feel much of anything, except boredom, dissatisfaction, and ennui. I terribly crave the touch of another but am utterly powerless to accept it. The risk of failure and pain is too high. If I were to try and fail, it would simply be another in a long line of confirmations of a possible truth I'm genuinely not strong enough to accept: that I am simply not good enough.

I sometimes read my horoscope, and although I know that they are just a silly game, I can't help but get a bit excited when it tells me that romance is near. So far, these have always been false prophecies.

I just want something good to happen so fucking bad. I want to feel something good.

I just want proof that I'm even still fucking here. Proof that I deserve to be here. But I just can't fucking find any.

Also, I wrote some songs

To follow up that uncharacteristically positive post I've compiled a pair of songs I wrote this semester. There is a pretty significant chance I'll be partial to playing one or both of these at an open mic over the holidays if those things still happen in my town.

She chose:

V1/2:

Up to base, swing the bat, miss three times and you’re gone

Just relax, take a breath, remember which team you’re on

Send a card, send a gift, maybe that will change her mind

Maybe you’re just too late, you’re just a couple steps behind

Chorus:

So far, So close

I’m not sure I want to know

So far, So close,

I’m just not the one she chose

“ “

V3/4:

I think I’ll take a little drive, leave the pics in my guitar

As If I could do more than try to just forget who you are.

I think I’ll try and just pretend that I am right there in your head

But we both know you’ll fall asleep in someone else’s bed.

(Chorus)

Bridge:

It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault

If you don’t love me

It’s alright, it’s alright

It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault

That you don’t love me

It’s okay, it’s okay.

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

I’ll find someone else to blame.

(Outtro)

Open Book

V1/2:

I own a book

that holds my mind

You can have a look

if you’ve got the time

Just take this pen and write

just who you think I am

Don’t forget to sign your name

On the dotted line

V3:

I’ve got some wounds

I wonder when they’ll heal

There’s nothing I can do

When they aren’t even real.

Pre-Chorus:

When the house is burning

I’ll water the lawn

So we’ll have such nice grass

When all the ashes are gone

Chorus (X2):

Something just doesn’t feel right

When I’m all alone

Oh what an awful sight

Where’d all the people go

(Repeat Chorus)

V4:

I have a room

Where I spend my time

Quiet as a tomb

Suits me just fine

If you want to visit me

Well just come on in

Don’t be surprised by what you see

Who I am within

(Pre-Chorus)

(Chorus)

V5:

I am an open book

Much too easy to read

Come and have a look

You’ll notice what I mean

So just take this pen and write

Just who you want me to be

And when I fall asleep at night

I don’t know what I’ll see

(Chorus)

Blahdiblahdiblah - you know what I mean bro

An Open Letter to my Psychological Apparatus

Good afternoon everyone, I hope this letter finds you well. As we prepare to fly home for Christmas, now seems as good a time as any to take an inventory on how we have been performing as a unit as of late. As you all probably know, we often don't make the greatest team and this semester has been a prime example of that. Months of isolation and daily intoxication have wreaked havoc on all of us, as if that were at all possible... Especially with the addition of a new regimented chemical agent in the works.

For convenience's sake I will now take the time to address each of you individually and let you know how you've been doing and what you can improve upon.

Id,

I think we both know that you have been holding out on the team for the majority of the time we have worked together, and that's something I can definitely respect. After all, I feel we get farther now that we don't get worked into an all-consuming, frothy rage at the slightest provocation the way we did in our formative years. That said, you really I would deeply appreciate more input from you in the future. As our 20th year reaches it's halfway point, the demands of our team become more and more imperative to our success, and because of this, it comes to you to make sure that we have our own domestic interests at heart. While we have always been highly diplomatic in the past, this tendancy has often put us in the undignified position of doormat. I understand that the other members of our team might try to dissuade you from action through coercive techniques of anxiety and ludicrous hypotheticals, but this is because they don't have our interests at heart the way you do. This is your purpose. Please consider this permission to take a bit more power over the team at large. Thank you.

(TL;DR: Just fuck me up)


Ego,

Obviously, of the three members of the team, you and I are closest, so I hope you'll forgive me for addressing you so frankly; You need to grow a damn backbone. I know you are doing your best with trying to fulfill any requests given by Id and Super Ego - they are definitely not the easiest pair to work with, or so I've heard - but I need you to reassess the conditions under which you grant these requests. I feel you have been giving unfair attention to Super Ego. While we definitely need to keep in mind how we fit into our interpersonal systems. The importance of these social safety nets cannot be understated, especially given the fragile nature of our system. However, if you continue to avoid the desires of Id we will definitely have a serious problem. It appears to me that you only want to consider Id's position if the Id wants to lay around all day in solitude smoking pot and while that is indeed one of our favourite activities, we need to vary it up a little bit. I'm thinking wild raging parties and rampant casual sex, but I'm really not sure how Super Ego will appreciate that idea. Suffice to say, if this memo does it's job, Id will hopefully give you something nice and juicy.

(TL;DR: Reassess your priorities, dingus)


Super Ego,

I have a sneaking suspicion that you might be the entire powerhouse behind this neurotic operation and I don't know if I'll be able to change that in so many words, but let me say this; you really need to step tf off. When I wonder where that ominous feeling of dread comes from when I'm sitting alone at the bar, or the images that keep me awake when I'm trying to sleep, I'm sure something will always lead me back to you. I know you think you are in charge of this whole thing but the truth is you're not. You are the weakest link in this team, and you need to recognize that we deserve so much more than you want us to believe. Somehow, over all these years, you have convinced me that I am small, insignificant, and worthless. You convinced me that the only way to approach some semblance of 'good enough' was the constant appeasement of everyone around us with no expectation of reward. But that shit is just too exhausting. It's the reason we're so tired all the time, the reason we never go out anymore. You haven't given me permission to just exist for my own sake and that's just super shitty. If there's one thing I want you to take away from this, it's something that Ego and I have known for years; we are the fucking best. We are funny and smart and kind and on the occasional good day we can even be semi-attractive. We do great work under our worst circumstances and we always get by even when we think we can't. At the very least, I think you should give us credit for that. What I want you to do over this winter break is, well, as little as possible. I want you to take some time off, maybe connect with your family. Don't worry, I'm not letting you go, I don't think that would be very effective in the long run (not to mention impossible). I would just deeply appreciate it if you could bite your toungue as much as possible over the next month and we'll see how it goes. I know I have said some harsh things in this message but I still do value you as part of the team. It's time you appreciated us as well.

(TL;DR: Just get some chill, please)


I hope this clears up anything regarding your performance here. Please make it your top priority to consider these instructions to the best of your ability. I know I don't really have much control over you guys, since you are mostly subconscious and all, but hope you will make small, meaningful changes that will allow us to be more effective in the future.

Yours always,
Michael Kopp

Since we last spoke

Hey there folks, it's been a while. This feels like a comeback of sorts, only instead of coming back to fame and fortune I am only coming back to my small forgotten corner of the internet, still stained by my pissy adolescent rage tears.

Due to a rampant cannabis habit that developed long after I knew you, I can hardly remember at all where we left off, but I can feel pretty safe in assuming I was impotently pining after some classmate. I can't say I'm much like that nowadays, in the infatuation front. Mind you, all that was a full-fledged relationship ago, so it's probably pretty easy to see how my position has changed.
A relationship that kept me from my friends and put me on edge. A relationship that had me talking him down from a ledge on a weekly basis. A relationship that, at a time of my own mental uncertainty, forced me into a role of emotional safety net.

But that's all far behind me now. About two years behind me, I think.

Another thing that feels very far behind me is sex.

Wow what a convenient segue that perfectly brings me to the next topic up for lamenting.

I have been celibate since August 2015. At the time of writing, that makes 16 continuous months of purity. Since then I can count the number of times I've experienced romantic contact on one hand. Yeah, that's pretty bad, but did I mention I am in college??? And I have a smartphone??? that has tinder on it??? How have I not touched another set of genitals yet??? Someone please send help???

Anyway that's pretty much the greatest weight on my soul at this point. I basically have no self-worth at all and several months of councilling have not helped but whatever haha :)

The moral of the story is that my own psychological gridlock keeps me from establishing a relationship or even feel strong feelings of attraction so get ready for me to talk about THAT in future episodes of My Neurotic Tendancies™a new Netflix™Original series. Oh and no more complaining about crushes.

Thanks for listening I guess? I don't know what you want from me at this point.

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The Current State of my Humble Abode

You don't know about my humble abode. Few people do. One to be exact. It was lived in once, and loved in. But in the absence of anyone willing to exist within it's walls, it has gotten dusty. As time goes on the dust eats away at it's floors and ceiling and walls. It goes unfurnished and empty. The paint is peeling and the wooden floors are becoming more and more warped with every passing day. Every time I visit I find a new leak in the ceiling or a new and empty place where there once was happiness and meaning. There is no happiness and meaning in my humble abode anymore. It was a mansion, once. It was glorious. Now only the remains of half-forgotten songs echo through it's rotting halls. Only rats and bugs bearing the remembered faces of former lovers twisted grotesquely by time and resentment.

For now I wish only for you to live there. I wish for you to cherish your time within my humble abode. I wish for it to be a place of peace and happiness. I think it could be just that.

But I'm sure there are many other homes you would rather live in than mine.